Not what they seem challenge 'Surprise'
by Lawrence Payne
Summary: Dark AU. Graphic Language. This is a reversal of character fic about a well known Buffyverse character. See if you can guess who it is before the end.


Title! Not what they seem challenge ! Let it be a surprise

Author: Lawrence Payne If I tell you now it won't be a surprise.

Timeline: Season 7 after Dirty Girls (7x18)

Rating: R for Language.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. A whole slew of other people own these characters and concepts.

Comments: Constructive feedback is always appreciated. :)

Archiving: If you want to, sure. Feel free. Just tell me if you do.

Summary: Dark AU. Graphic Language. This is a reversal of character fic about a well-known Buffyverse character. See if you can guess who it is before the end.

Authors Notes: This story contains harsh language and adult themes. If you are offended by dirty words and descriptions of murder, don't read this story. Consider yourself forewarned.

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They're late again. They're always late. The note said, 'Meeting at midnight in the usual place'. Well, this is the usual place, the forest behind the vineyard, and this is the correct time. Only there's no meeting. I'm the only one here! The other members of our little club still haven't graced us, ohh excuse me, graced me with their presence. Actually, it was midnight 15 minutes ago. I don't know why I'm shocked. I should have expected this. Both of them are so damn busy!

Take Caleb for instance. What does he have to worry about? Does he have two covers to maintain? Does he have to worry about being discovered by the Slayers? Nooo! Pompous Preacher Asshole Caleb doesn't have to put up with any of that crap! He doesn't have to deal with a bunch of pathetic teenagers all day. He doesn't have to spend time with both of those Slayer bitches! And he definitely doesn't have to be around all those dirty little girls! Naaah! Caleb gets to spend his time rejoicing his past kills. That is, of course, when he's not bossing those idiot Bringers around. Yeah, Caleb gets to have all the fun and I get all the work.

And then, there's the First. Mr. Incorporeal. What could he be doing that keeps him from getting here on time? Paperwork? It's physically impossible for him to busy. He can't touch anything! How could he possibly be busy if he CAN'T TOUCH ANY-FUCKING-THING?

If they knew they were going to be late, you'd think one of them would call. But that's the problem with living in an evil world; everybody is just so Goddamn inconsiderate. No Wait! The First can't call because he can't dial a phone and Caleb won't call because he's a TOTAL BASTARD! Neither of them understands. They just don't know how hard it is. They get to do whatever they want while I haven't had a decent kill in weeks.

My last bit of fun was that little blonde sweetie named Eve. Even that was not as good as it should have been. I didn't get to have any real fun then either. No rape, no torture, no maiming, just a single stab to her gut and she fell like a stone. The only fun I got from her was the look in her eyes. She had these big, pretty, powder blue eyes that held so much fear before she died. She looked like a Kewpie Doll when I killed her. A sweet, little, blonde, terrified, Kewpie Doll.

The First made me a promised. When he rules the world, I get to do whatever I want. BUT HOW THE HELL IS HE GONNA CONQUER THE FUCKING WORLD IF HE CAN'T EVEN KEEP HIS OWN FUCKING APPOINTMENTS?

"Stirring in your own juices again?" The First asked. As usual, he just appeared out of nowhere. This time he was in Buffy's form.

"You know our boy boss," Caleb said as he emerged from the darkness of the forest. "He is always in some kind of foul mood."

"About time you two got here," I said. I masked my true anger. I didn't do a very good job. "Been waiting for 20 minutes.

I left some room in the conversation for one of them to give me an explanation or an apology. Neither uttered a word. Assholes.

"What's on tap for today?"

"You've been complaining about not killing any girls," The First said. "Well, here is your chance to kill a whole bunch of them."

"How many?" I asked, a big smile formed on my face.

"Hopefully all of them," Caleb chimed in, "except for the real Slayer of course. She is my personal prize."

"What the OP?"

'Buffy' said, "When the girls go to raid the Bringers Weapons Armory, have a little surprise waiting for them."

"Like the one I made for the Watchers Council Headquarters?"

"The very same."

"I'll get right on it!" At that moment, my anger was completely gone. I felt nothing but joy.

"One last thing," Caleb said as I started to walk away. "You seem to have forgotten that the boss," he gestured at The First, "knows every dirty little thought that runs through your mind."

Caleb took two steps forward; his face was only an inch away. As he locked his eyes on mime, he said in a menacing tone that was almost a whisper, "You ever insult me again, I will kill your black ass very slowly. You hear me boy!"

I took a single step toward him, my nose just a hairs-breath away from touching his. My smile widened even more as I met his challenge. I returned his hate-filled stare, silently daring him to make the first hostile move.

"Now Now Boys," The First said in a patronizing manner. It was as if 'she' were talking to two children. "You two play nice!"

I stepped back. I nodded a goodbye in both of their directions before I turned and walked away. Fuck Caleb! He's just jealousy that my body count is way higher than his. He got to have all of the fun at the Winery. Now it's my turn! I finally get to kill again!

Robin Wood is back in business! Time to kill some dirty little girls!

END

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Authors Notes 2: This is a reversal of character fic about Robin Wood. He is a good guy on the show, although that is debatable (especially among Spike fans). He is not responsible for the bomb that killed the Potentials in Touched (7x20). He did not kill Eve. The Bringers did that (we assume; we never saw the actual murder). And he is not in league with The First and Caleb. But in this story he is and he did. Consider this to be a dark AU. 


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